Holiest of Holes

I’ve been talking to a lot of people lately, taking a poll, and it is truly amazing to me that so many people are out of touch with their emotions, the men especially. Not only, mind you, but especially. I was raised to believe emotions are bad. My mother represses all of hers and lives in a pretty amazing fantasyland, but I completely understand why and that’s another blog for another time. My father was a stoic cowboy from good, hard-working Catholic farmers who was taught the value of grit. Perhaps I was too caught up in my own pain, the slow burn from a heart protected, to notice that it was not just my family, but society as a whole teaching people to disconnect, to shelter, to live in fear.

L.A. is really plagued by this epidemic of the emotionless; where those of us who were never loved quite enough as children flock and try to cohabitate while simultaneously chasing that elusive longing to become eternally enshrined in the pantheon of art. Laughable. I spent a solid three decades of my life trying not to feel anything but rather pawn off any strong sentiments onto characters in stories, whether acting or writing. I always thought everyone else had their shit together and I worked really hard to join them in that place. I went to therapy, I went to a shaman—I assembled a motley team with power tools to take away the ache of the steady chisel of introspection. And it worked. And people notice.

Numb itself is a defense mechanism, and that guy brings a whole lot of unwelcome guests to the party. It takes so much energy to attack people and keep them at bay, to suppress everything, to never cry, to make sure everyone thinks you’re strong. It is absolutely effortless to simply experience what is happening naturally in the moment. But now that I’ve figured this out for myself and can see the forest for the trees, well, I’m concerned about a lot of you trees. There is none so obnoxious as the newly informed. I know; I get it. I’m finally in touch with myself and now I won’t shut up about you doing the same. Because it is wonderful and truly liberating!!!

There are so many ways that people avoid real human connections everyday. We avoid being human when it is such a gift. We are all capable of so many heightened emotions but we won’t let ourselves feel them. Why? When did we learn to do that? Children act out, scream, shout and get it all out so that they can play and be happy again. Immediately. No one ever calls them drama queens or psychos or tells them to keep their chin up through the pain or tells them that they are not ready for so much expression. Emotions are good. Feeling them. Having them. All good. Also, kids are smart.

Everyone comes with life experience. You can call it baggage, but again, that is just a way to pervert something beautiful about the scars and wounds of the person standing in front of you. I wear my hole, my scars, my “flaws” as a badge of honor. Look, I’m not asking you or anyone to fill my hole or fix it, because you can’t. I’m just asking you not to judge it.